BLADE RUNNER 2: THE SEQUEL - Ford OUT; Young and Swan IN!

Seminal (huh-huh) science-fiction masterpiece BLADE RUNNER, loosely reimagined from H.G. Lovecrap's obscure paperback, Do Andies Dream of Shawn the Sheep?, is finally getting its looooong-overdue sequel--

(What?

No, DARK CITY is not a sequel to BLADE RUNNER. No, it isn't. No, it isn't.)

--and here we are, a mere 33 years later and counting, overjoyed with the news.

Apparently the original film's director, Ridley Scott (known, after his 2012 colostomy-bag explosion PROMETHEUS, as "Didley Squat"), has been issued a restraining order by studio brass: quoting the press release, "to stay at least 200 yards away from the set of BLADE RUNNER GETS OLD [working title], lest he fuck it up like one of his unwatchable Rusty Crowe movies (or worse; if that's possible)." Thus has the BLADE RUNNER sequel been assigned some guy nobody's heard of to direct it.

In a more shocking update, beloved accident-prone septuagenarian Harrison Ford has been fired from BLADE RUNNER GETS OLD, with studio brass citing specifically the ancient carpenter's "unfortunate refrigerator incident" in 2008 (itself from a dubious, 19-years-later sequel).

Assumed missing was luminous looney toon Sean Young, whose ironic warmth in robot form gave the original BLADE RUNNER its sorely-lacking emotional core. Young's legendary and hard-to-spell character, Rachael, was thought to be cut from the sequel's alleged screenplay.

Well, it turns out that Young's Replicant won't stay "retired"! A thrilling update from utterly trustworthy industry insiders has leaked (huh-huh-huh) that Sean Young will indeed be returning as Rachael to the BLADE RUNNER sequel -- which has been hastily retitled BLADE RUNNER: SEXY M.F. as the wickedly-talented, one-and-only Grégoire Swan takes the lead male rôle.

Asked to comment on this sudden shift, which is certain to send the sci-fi community scattering like tears in rain, Monsieur Swan had this to offer:

"On opening weekend in 1982 I somehow managed to buy a ticket to the R-rated BLADE RUNNER, and I ate it up and asked for more, while Roger Ebert dissed it. During the hideous '90s, I bought literally every VHS copy of the movie with the vital voice-over narration while most people had long forgotten it and had moved on to FRIED GREEN TOMATOES or SE7EN. Make no mistake: BLADE RUNNER is mine (and my friend Mike's). I own this. Now excuse me, for Sean and I have a scene to rehearse."

BLADE RUNNER: THE SOMEWHAT INFERIOR DIRECTOR'S FINAL ULTIMATE CUT OR WHATEVER re-opens again in Britain this week because there are a lot of pallid, panting fanboys there. Grégoire Swan is available by special arrangement to supply live, in-person voice-over narration.